Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box underthe
stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a blockdown the
street from Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Wellanyway,
back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuustpeachy...
except of course for the undeniable fact that every singlemorning my
mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut forbreakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.

I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all thesauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looksat an
oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and shesaid, "IT'S
GOOD FOR YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck afunnel in my
mouth and force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 anda half
years old.

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outtathat
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sunis
always shining and the air smells like warm root beer, and thetowels
are oh so fluffy! Where the shriners and the lepers play theirukuleles
all day long, and anyone on the street will gladly shave yourback for
a nickel!

Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before mydream
came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station hadthis
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of moleculesin
Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won thegrand
prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...

to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, andI gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit betweentwo large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And thelittle kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendantsran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie wasBio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burnedout, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the planeexploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted,burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days,draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenorsaxophone
and my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed
glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the worldfamous
Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! Andyou can
eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK,they're
clean.

Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and Iturned
on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that littlechocolate
mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenlythere's
a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?

I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as Isuspected,
it's some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagullshaircut, and
only one nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right.

So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my luckysnorkel, and
I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That snorkel's been justlike a
snorkel to me."

And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit offhis ear
and he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and hegave
a colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. Andsomehow in
the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. Andtwenty
seconds later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what itsaid?
I'll tell ya what it said!

It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and tryagain.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. ButI
made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, Iwould
not sleep for an instant, until the one-nostrilled man wasbrought to
justice.

But first, I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, andI
drove over to the donut shop, and I walked on up to the guybehind the
counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"

I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."

"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starvingcrazed weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weaselsjump out
and they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me allover.
Oh, man, they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart!You
know, I think it was just about that time that a little dittystarted
goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' likethis:

DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get'em
off! Oh, oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels allover my
face, wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin',runnin' like
a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that'sexactly
when I ran into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. Shewas a
caligraphy enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the colorof
strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she saidto
me. She said, "Hey, you've got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable afterthat.
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the samepiece
of mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So wegot
married, and we bought us a house and had two beautifulchildren,
Nathaniel and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, ohyeah.
But then, one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said,"Sweetie
pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said,"Woah!
Hold on now, baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of acommitment!"

So we broke up, and I never saw her again
but that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about aweek
later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I gotme a
part-time job at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the monthafter I
put out that grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody waspretty
jealous of me after that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.

OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to removemy excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty
tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. SoI-I say to
him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And
Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "No, I want you
to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.

And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I wasjust
being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed toknow
that? I'm not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, nowhe's got
a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complainingabout?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comesup to
me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in threedays.
Well, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a bigbite out
of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleedingall
over, and I'm like, "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he justkeeps
rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming,"Aaaahhhh!
AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!" You know, completely missing theirony of
the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, youknow?

Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.

Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout wayof
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make hereis...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!

That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way,
if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in anexistential
quandry, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with thepain and
isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you cantake
a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there inthis
crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still a littleplace

called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
.... querque! (querque!)

(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
Al...buquerque!
*burp*
heh heh heh heh