It was during my 2nd senior year when Mom found Jesus Christ. His
spirit was trapped inside an old manischevitz bottle that Mom picked
out of the dumpster behind the 7-11. Mom brought the bottle inside and
sat it down on top of the TV. Then she told all of us kids to gather
round, and then she explained how Jesus lived in the bottle, and how,
if she wanted to, she could call him out to do her bidding. Sis said it
reminded her of an old TV show, and Mom slapped her and called her a
heretic. I didn't say anything, cause I just still remember the time
outside the Safeway, when it took 4 security guards to hold Mom down.

Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know

It wasn't long before people from all over the world started coming to
our house to see the bottle. At first I thought that this would make me
more popular at school. Instead it seemed to have the opposite result.
Kids would stop and point at me in the hallway and say, "There's the boy
whose mother keeps our savior cooped up in that tiny little bottle." And
then everybody started calling me 'Bottle boy'. And that really hurt. It
was also around this time that Mom began to attract some really weird
followers. Like that guy who never used deodorant and spoke only in
riddles. And that woman who collected 19th century hand made Amish
swimwear.

Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived
Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid

As the year went on, things went from bad to worse, and I realized that
if there wasn't a big change pretty soon, I'd never be able to get a
date for the prom. I couldn't go the year before because Mom belonged
to a church that considered dancing a one way ticket to Hell. But
that's a whole nother story. Anyway, by this point Mom had appeared on
the Richard Bey Show, A.M. Philadelphia and Geraldo, so there was
no use in me changing schools, since everybody knew who my Mom was.
Also we had to spend all the money from Mom's personal appearances to
hire a bodyguard, since by this point we were getting about 400 death
threats a day.

Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know

Then one night, I just couldn't stand it any more. While everyone else
was sleeping I crept downstairs. Slowly I went up to the bottle and
began to unfasten the lid. At first, nothing happened. But then the room
filled with a thick white smoke. I was glad my sister had taken the
batteries out of the smoke detector to put into her Walkman. When the
smoke cleared, I found myself face to face with the son of God, who was
much shorter than I had expected. He told me that since I'd freed Him,
He'd grant me one wish. And that's how I got to go to the prom with
Geena Davis. But you probably already read about that in People.

Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
When I'm weak he makes me strong
That's why I sing this song
If I die before I wake
Pray to him my soul don't take
Jesus loves me, yes I know

Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived
Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid
Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she had a special bottle in which our savior lived
Mommy she loved Jesus, but not like others did
For she could unleash His vengeance by unfastening the lid